It's a Term of Endearment, I Promise

In a episode of "Community," Jeff Winger gives a kid at his school the nickname of Fat Neil in an attempt to distinguish him from another Neil in the hallway. Sadly, Fat Neil hears this nickname, and becomes very depressed because of it.
While watching this show, I couldn't help but think what would happen if people accidentally heard the nicknames I secretly have for them.

Here are a few of my favorites for some of the people in my life.

Malfoy- Although my friend dated you for months, I never took the time to learn your name. You came to the theater dressed up like Malfoy for the Harry Potter Midnight Showing, hitting on my friend using "Can I have a cup of water?" as your pick up line.

Scooter- The only form of transportation you had was your scooter. Unfortunately I didn't think scooters were quite as attractive as you did.

Turtleneck- No matter what you wear, I always imagine it to be a turtleneck. I even drew a cartoon about it one day. It's scary how accurate it was.
Barn Dance Boy- I met you at a barn dance, but I couldn't remember your name until you texted it to me a few days later. You would later get the nickname Baby Daddy from some of my friends.
Creeper- You are labeled as this in my phone. That's what happens when you steal my number from a ward directory and text me at two in the morning before I've even met you. Side note--Telling a girl you're sterile on a first date is never a good idea.
Hot Tub Boy- I wish I didn't know this, but unfortunately I had to hear all about your exploits with my boss in a hot tub. Could have done without that one.
Bad Breath Brian- I actually do feel bad about this one. Maybe instead of calling you this behind your back I should offer you a breath mint.
Pancake Boy- We met over pancakes. You sat down at my table, with your wing man and tried to pick me up. It was pretty flattering considering not many men are brave enough to do that.
Match Dot Com- This nickname applies to everyone any friend of mine meets online, regardless of the particular dating site used.
Broccoli- I didn't give you this nickname, but I will certainly run with it. Broccoli is a boring vegetable, and unfortunately you are too.
Edward- This one wasn't even difficult. I was blinded by your Robert Pattinson hair the first time I saw you.
Jail Bait- You are two years younger than me and I've kind of always had a crush on you. Still, I can't help but think of you as jail bait.

Let me know the funniest nickname you've made up for someone, especially if its rather embarrassing.